Dear Leader faced a vexing problem: Detroit had filed for bankruptcy, and he was on record as saying that he had refused to let Detroit go bankrupt. His loyal minions had fanned out on Twitter, doing battle over the real meaning of his words: he had saved the auto industry, not the municipal government. It’s not what he said; it’s what he meant.
Still, Detroit Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr was obstinately persisting his quest to move Detroit into bankruptcy, after the impossibility of 9,700 current employees supporting the pension obligations of 21,000 retirees became apparent. Oh, sure, there were those massive spending sprees on stadiums for the Tigers, the Lions, and the Red Wings. Economic revitalization costs money, and so Detroit had to spend money to make money.
However, the problems were structural, with 26% of the population lost between 2000 and 2011, and 78,000 abandoned buildings, two out of every five street lights broken, and just a third of the ambulances in service. Detroit residents wait almost an hour for a 911 response, as opposed to the national average of 11 minutes.
Years of projecting 8.5% returns on pension investments in the face of actual returns that were much, much lower had caught up with Dear Leader’s beloved Detroit. He was sorely wrothed, mightily vexed, and sulking in the Oval Office when one of Michigan’s own judges came to his rescue and the rescue of the People’s Glorious Socialist Municipality of Detroit.
Ingham County Judge Rosemarie E. Aquilina, whose first year law courses had taught her that Michigan state law supersedes federal bankruptcy law no matter what, ruled that Michigan Governor Bill Snyder and City Manager Orr were in error. They had filed for bankruptcy when Michigan’s laws prohibit the slashing of pensions and retiree health insurance coverage, and most of all, they had egregiously insulted Dear Leader.
Attorney General Bill Schuette took his flogging from Judge Aquilina:
“It’s cheating, sir, and it’s cheating good people who work,” the judge told assistant state Attorney General Brian Devlin. “It’s also not honoring the (United States) president, who took (Detroit’s auto companies) out of bankruptcy.”
How could Schuette not honor Dear Leader?! The nerve! The audacity! Judge Aquilina said that she would get the President a copy of her order, because Dear Leader needed to know about her order! After all, as Judge Aquilina declared, “I know he’s watching this.”
He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake, because his CIA can track your room to room movements via your appliances. He knows what you’ve been thinking, because he reads your emails and eavesdrops on your phone calls via the NSA, so be good for goodness’ sake. Dear Leader knows all, and he will not be dishonored via the default or bankruptcy of some middling elected official in Michigan. No, not at all!
Jay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013. He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love