Welcome to the News that Isn’t News, where we help you focus on everything besides the relevant information related to your government’s trampling of civil liberties and utter obliteration of the nation’s long-term fiscal position. You’re welcome! We’re just another media outlet seeking to pipe our part of the Mighty Wurlitzer!
Geraldo Rivera, mustachioed Fox News pundit and embarrassing dad, tweeted a topless picture of himself. “70 is the new 50,” Rivera declared, noting that his family would be “pissed.” Well, if 70 is the new 50, both ages have something in common: you should keep your shirt on.
Not to be outdone, aging supermodel and Bravo TV personality Heidi Klum tweeted a picture of herself topless while hugging a palm tree in Bora Bora. She’s 40, but she’s also Heidi Klum, and the years have been far kinder to her than they have been to Geraldo Rivera.
Huffington Post thinks you should know that KFC is killing the Colonel Sanders logo, because there’s only so many topless photos of Heidi Klum.
Nicki Minaj misspelled Thursday at Thusday, but when you’re Instagramming a video of your butt implants entitled #TwerkDatAssThusdays live and direct from a pool, no one cares about the Grammar Police.
Chloe Jennings-White, a 58 year old with a doctorate in chemistry, wants to be paralyzed. Jennings-White suffers from
the crazy Body Integrity Identity Disorder, which causes her to believe that she was meant to be paralyzed. She first discovered that she had mistakenly been given working legs when she was four, as she developed jealousy towards disabled children. As a nine year old, she tried to paralyze herself.
Jennings-White dreams of having a $25,000 surgery to paralyze her lower extremities, and her wife, Danielle Saint-Marie, played along early in the marriage, enabling her to pretend to be a paraplegic at home. Yes, this is the end result of a society where every idiotic idea has a psychiatric condition attached to it.
William Cantrell stole an Xbox and a box of ashes that turned out to be human ashes from his friend Steven Medley. Though the box had white piece of paper with the name, date of birth, date of death, and name of a funeral home taped to the top, Cantrell’s grandmother alleges that he thought he was stealing cocaine. Cantrell’s mother Kathy objects to the media’s characterization of her son as a bad a person, because he didn’t know what he was stealing. Medley got the ashes back before Cantrell snorted his grandmother up his nose.
Danielle Saint-Marie and Kathy will be joining each other at Enablers’ Anonymous next week.
Attorneys for Aurora shooter James Holmes claim the police “peppered” their client with questions before reading him his rights, which is terrible, even though Holmes peppered innocent people in a movie theater with bullets in violation of their civil rights.
Brooke Lynn Domel, a 32 year old teacher with the Wharton Independent School District in Texas, does not understand why she was arrested, according to her attorney John Maher. It might have something to do with the accusation that she had sex with a student. In a development that will likely cause Domel further confusion, she was also fired last Tuesday night after a school board meeting.
Florida Gators linebacker Antonio Morrison was arrested for the second time in five weeks, this time for barking at a police dog. Morrison said the dog barked at him first, because of course it makes sense to bark back at a dog. The officer in charge of the dog, William A. Arnold, was investigating an incident at a hotel when the commotion between Morrison and the dog diverted his attention. He then ordered Morrison to wait in front of the car, and alleged that Morrison resisted arrest when he attempted to place him in handcuffs.
Yes, barking at a police dog is a crime, but when the police shoot your dog, it’s not a crime at all. Such is the way of law enforcement and overgrown meathead NCAA football players, both of whom act with a sense of entitlement that knows no boundaries or limits.
Continuing our travels through Florida, and referencing another crime involving human ashes, we turn our attention to the story of Elvis Prechtl. Prechtl allegedly broke into his girlfriend’s home and stole her six porcelain dolls, three collector’s plates with Merlin and dragons on them, and some jewelry. Prechtl also dumped her father’s ashes into the tub and the toilet, before popping open a beer and grabbing a shave.
Prechtl was arrested for burglary.
Such is the way of life, law, and human existence, where people snort a grandmother’s ashes, or dump a father’s ashes in a toilet, bark at police dogs and get arrested, and fail to comprehend why they’ve been arrested after being accused of having sex with a minor student. The world is going to hell, and this was the News that isn’t News. You’re welcome, and/or we apologize.
Jay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013. He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love