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News that Isn’t News, Vol. 2: Speshul Edition

6 min read

Welcome to our second volume of The News that Isn’t News, where we aggregate the day’s most meaningless information into one steaming pile so that you can focus on something other than the government’s growing tyranny and control of your life and your communications.  Because what else matters besides Yeezus attacking a photographer at the airport, really?

Last night on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, fictional band Jesse and the Rippers reunited. That’s right, fictional, never were real in the first place, Jesse and the Rippers from TV sitcom Full House reunited.  The band performed a medley of songs written by other musicians, because fictional, never were real in the first place bands do not write their own material. Nevertheless, this was an event.  Lori Loughlin, who played Jesse’s love interest Aunt Becky on the show, stopped by and stormed the stage to kiss John Stamos.

Oh, also, they went on a date night.

Angus T. Jones, whose appearance in a batshit crazy fringe Seventh Day Adventist lay minister’s Youtube videos last year stirred controversy when he referred to Two and a Half Men as filth, has been removed from Two and a Half Men’s opening credits.  The show has also shifted storylines to incorporate Charlie’s long-lost lesbian daughter. Ashton Kutcher and Duckie still have jobs on what has rapidly become the unfunniest show on television.

Presumably, Jones will have more time to watch Forerunner Chronicles videos on A$AP Rocky’s Illuminati influences, and he will learn how a long extinct Bavarian order of silly men with secret handshakes speaking gobbledygook still run the world or something.

At Six Flags over Texas in Arlington, a woman died when she fell out of the Texas Giant, a roller coaster that reaches heights of 140 feet, with a drop of 79 degrees and a bank of 95 degrees.  If God wanted you to do this, you’d have been a falcon or some other such bird of prey. Six Flags has closed the section of the park where the accident occurred, and evolution has run its tally to 7,879,324,131-0.  Roller coasters are not your friends, because it only takes one time.

Seriously, you can’t come back from that.

In his effort to express his inner turmoil over the Trayvon Martin verdict, Kanye West, otherwise known as Yeezus, attacked a photographer at the airport yesterday. The photographer didn’t have a gun, and a camera can only shoot the footage that will one day be used in court to get a sizable payout from Yeezus.  He won’t go to jail, because black men with money are white. See O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson, and realize that the second time around O.J. didn’t have money.

Las Vegas is great if you have money. If you don’t, not so much.

Speaking of black men with money, Jamie Foxx announced that he backs Trayvon Martin’s mother “forever,”  for whatever that’s worth.  Trayvon is dead forever, too, so I doubt that being backed by the guy who starred in Booty Call is going to make much of a difference to his mother.  Foxx referred to Bruce Springsteen’s dedication of a song to Trayvon Martin at a performance in Ireland as “great,” because nothing provides a balm in Gilead like the Boss serenading a bunch of gingers.

There’s no respite in Nepenthe, because this is a tragedy, and everyone needs to stop using it for their own purposes.

Speaking of people who use things for their own purposes with callous indifference, Barack Obama said that he could have been Trayvon Martin.  I’m sure there were simmering racial tensions for the half-white grandson of a bank executive to experience while attending an exclusive preparatory school in Hawaii.  I’m sure our future president faced tremendous pressures as an alum of the Choom Gang, and that the police attention he received while at Occidental College was in no way related to the fact that he reeked of marijuana.

Rachel Jenteal went on television and really helped the cause of black people everywhere by saying “I believe Trayvon hit first.”  It’s 14:59, honey. Time to go home.

In Spain, where unemployment is at epic levels, a man died after winning a beer drinking contest.  Joaquín Alcaraz Gracia, 45, consumed 12.5 pints of beer in 20 minutes; and after hoisting his trophy high, he began to vomit uncontrollably. You don’t say.  Evolution 7,879,324,132, man 0.  Officials attempted to lower Gracia’s reported consumption after the tragedy, stating that he only consumed about six pints in 20 minutes.

Damned lightweights.

The Huffington Post has chronicled the disturbing evolution of My Little Pony.  All you Bronies out there can peruse the link here. That’s right, Julian Stolz and Kurt Wallace, I’m talking to you. Both of you.

Rae Dawn Chong went on Matty P’s Happy Hour, a radio show you’ve never heard of, and said that Oprah Winfrey was “the fat chick who wanted to be a cheerleader,” referring to her as a “field nigger” and a “brown noser.”  Black women, edifying each other to the fullest.  Keep that uplifting spirit, Rae Dawn!

Seriously, it’s called Matty P’s Happy Hour.  Happy.

In the female driver department, we have the story of Veronica Doctor, who attempted to run over her ex-boyfriend but hit a tree instead.  I’m not chauvinist; I’m just serious.  Doctor was driving drunk in circles on her boyfriend’s lawn, and he when he came outside to argue with her, she tried to run him over.  Police arrived on the scene, and Doctor had a BAC of .259.

How is she alive while Joaquín Alcaraz Gracia is dead? Come on, evolution! 7,879,324,132-1.

Fields Taylor, a 3 year old girl in Leicestershire, England, was born with a rare genetic disease, Glut 1 Deficiency, which resulted in a lack of glucose flowing to her brain.  As a result, she was mute. After getting on a ketogenic diet, and eating four containers of cream cheese a week, she gained the power to speak.

I got nothing.  Screw evolution.  7,879,324, 132-2.

Unemployed Briton (really, is there any other kind?!) Steve Sewell tried to sell himself on Ebay for $1.50.  Sewell, who has a diploma in electrical and electronic engineering, is 58 years old and claims ageism is preventing him from getting a job.  He received no bids, which only proves that British people are assholes.

Seriously, no one gave him a sympathy bid?!

In Oklahoma City, Kristen Michelle Brown was having a bad day. She pulled a knife on 72 year old Elmer Morrison, then announced she had sex with her cat.  Poor pussy.  Brown told the responding officer that she had sex with her cat, and “everyone knows.”

Well, if they didn’t before, they do now.

Brown follows in the steps of trailblazing constitutional theorist Shaun Keith Orris, who attempted to engage bar patrons in Waukesha, Wisconsin over the constitutionality of man on goat sex. Orris insisted that it was his constitutional right to have sex with a goat, but the other patrons didn’t agree. Orris wound up getting his head busted open in an altercation with the bar’s owner, who has asked him to leave.  When the police arrested Orris and transported him to the police station, he began screaming that it was his constitutional right to have sex with a goat.

It  goes like this, people: Antonin Scalia. William Brennan.  Shaun Keith Orris.

That’s the News that isn’t News for Saturday, July 2oth, 2013.  That feeling you’re experiencing is the realization that civilization is indeed reaching its end.

jay batmanJay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013.  He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love – See more at: