Dear Leader was apoplectic. He was flummoxed. The Supreme Court had struck down his Voter Fraud Act, thereby enabling states to do something totally outrageous: check voter IDs at the polls. Despite his support of a national ID, and an Internet ID, Dear Leader remained vehemently opposed to strict voter ID laws in Texas and North Carolina. The Bash Brothers, otherwise known as Senators Schumer and Graham, haters of America and civil liberties, had pitched Dear Leader on the merits of a national ID card in 2010, but those wacko bird libertarians had prevailed in whipping up a panic.
Dear Leader deployed the Rat Lord, Attorney General Eric Holder, to file a lawsuit against Texas to regain authority over Texas’s election laws. The Rat Lord dutifully complied, traipsing to federal court and filing a lawsuit requesting that Texas be required to pre-clear changes in voting laws with the Injustice Department. Dear Leader was pleased, so pleased that in his elation, he made some very unwise statements.
As Dear Leader stood alongside Vietnamese President Truong Tan Sang, he made the following jubilant statement about Ho Chi
“…we discussed the fact that Ho Chi Minh was actually inspired by the U.S. Declaration of Independence and Constitution, and the words of Thomas Jefferson.”
Yes, because Thomas Jefferson murdered thousands of farmers and merchants when he rose to power. He slew the bourgeois and eliminated his political opponents with ruthless precision as collaborators with the British Crown. Oh, wait. Thomas Jefferson did none of those things.
Dear Leader realized this as soon as he said it, but hoped that his friends in the press would realize their phones were tapped and disloyal utterances caught in surveillance dragnets would be severely punished. After all, he was inspired by Ho.
Dear Leader then characterized the Republicans’ refusal to incur more debt to pay the bills without cutting spending as emblematic of their status as deadbeats, because everyone knows responsible people just borrow more money to pay off old debt so they can continue to generate new debt. Again, he looked to his friends in the press to report his words as truth, for you never know when Dear Leader is tapping your phone or the phone of your parents.
Disloyalty must be punished; after all, what would Ho do? Dear Leader knew that with the Rat Lord doing his bidding, and the press under the Ho Fist, it would be possible to coerce the Republicans into raising the debt ceiling. After all, Dear Leader does not have a ceiling. He has a floor.
Dear Leader has the Republicans wiretapped as well, but this is no matter, because Bash Brother Graham is glad he’s being listened to when he talks to his cabana boy. And so it is that the deadbeats will come to responsible action by borrowing more money to pay off old debt.
Jay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013. He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love