The Inglorious Exploits of Dear Leader, Episode 8: Taxing and Spending, Birthday Golf, Jay Leno, and more!
Dear Leader unveiled his Grand Bargain for the Middle Class in his weekly radio and Internet address. He’d be willing to reform the tax code for businesses, eliminating loopholes and deductions while lowering rates, but he insisted that more money be generated. $2.7 trillion is just not enough, and you can’t expect government at all levels to subsist on just 38% of the Gross Domestic Product. Republicans are going to have to learn to be reasonable and concede at least half of GDP to government spending.
After all, progress has been made. At the start of the 20th century, government spending was less than 7% of GDP, and now we’re at almost 40%! Forward!
Dear Leader felt as though his plan was reasonable, and would resonate with his base of voters. After all, he had offered a GRAND BARGAIN FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.
With his gridlock shattering triumph all but in hand, Dear Leader departed for Camp David for his birthday weekend of golf with a side of skeet shooting. He’d turn 52 on Sunday, and so it was that he jaunted over to Andrews Air Force Base to partake of some of that fine government financed golf. With 234 golf courses around the world, nobody can beat the U.S. military when it comes to critical investment of taxpayer dollars in golf.
Even better, the U.S. military doesn’t disclose the costs of these golf courses, but what we do know is that they must be really expensive: the Air Force Academy’s Eisenhower Blue Course, a 7,000 yard plus beauty of a golf course, has $400 toilet seats! And of course, the military knows how to buy in a down real estate market, because the Department of Defense managed to pick up a nice Bavarian Alps ski lodge for the low, low price of just $80 million! Bargain!
Dear Leader can’t keep violent illegal aliens incarcerated due to the sequester, but golf courses are an essential service! And so it was that he and his 11 pals golfed on the middle class’s dime for his birthday weekend’s big kickoff, and then it was on to Camp David for a super-duper sleepover!
Of course, Dear Leader had to schedule some business, like a two day trip through western states including an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” where Dear Leader will doubtless highlight his “GRAND BARGAIN FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS” and talk about how unreasonable the GOP is for opposing more spending. After all, it’s hard work for Dear Leader, who gives 110 percent of himself for you and for me.
He found the time to graciously sit down with David Blum of Kindle Singles to offer his thoughts on the decline of the journalism business, and said that “just a few modest, but really important, changes to government policy, we could be doing an awful lot better than we’re doing right now” to help people transition in a globalized economy. Why, yes, we could. Dear Leader could take the time to stare down China over its currency manipulation, and address the trade deficit thereof. He could oppose making it easier to ship American jobs overseas by implementing reciprocal tariffs on goods from countries enacting barriers to U.S. exports. That is, we tariff their goods at the same rate that they tariff our goods.
That won’t happen, because Dear Leader doesn’t believe we can get rid of globalization. It’s inevitable that countries engage in tariffs and protectionism and call it free trade and fair trade.
Dear Leader could comfort himself with the notion that globalization would inevitably drive those pesky dissenters in the media out of business, because the Washington Post demonstrated the temerity to highlight his hypocrisy. In a totally unfair polemic, the WaPo’s Timothy B. Lee used Dear Leader’s own words against him, citing Senator Obama’s concerns about “government fishing expeditions targeting innocent Americans” under Section 215 of the Patriot Act. Senator Obama objected to the lack of transparency, noting that Americans would not be notified that they had been targeted under Section 215.
As Dear Leader, however, he had no such concerns. After all, it’s different when you’re holding the stick and beating someone with it, as opposed to the alternative. Soon, Dear Leader will not have to worry about such polemics, because globalization in the journalism business will quell dissent better than any legislation could. And if Dear Leader needs to expedite a few cases, like Fox News and the AP, he has the Rat Lord, Eric Holder, over at the Department of Justice just waiting for his command. If those pesky Tea Party groups get out of line, there’s always the IRS.
The wonderful part about his life, Dear Leader realized, was that he didn’t really have to bargain. He could just call it a bargain, and his servile minions in the press would dutifully report it as such while he went golfing and enjoyed the luxuries of power, including $400 toilet seats and free motorcades to Andrews Air Force Base.
Jay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013. He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love