News that Isn’t News, Vol. 1

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Welcome to the news that isn’t news, where we at Liberty Pulse aggregate the day’s most pointless information into one steaming pile of information so that you can focus on something other than a corrupt, fiscally reckless, constitutionally out of line government and its abuses!

Our first story involves extremely fat power couple Michael Moore and his wife of 21 years, Kathleen Glynn.  These two had such mass, such heft, and such clout thereof that halving their property won’t suffice to reach a whole. After all, when you’re investing in Halliburton stock while lambasting Dick Cheney, your portfolio tends to get as fat as your waistline! Michigan observers are predicting an absolute knock-down, drag-out fight over the deep freezer and its contents.

Harrison Ford went to Comic-Con to promote his new film Ender’s Game, in which he plays Col. Hyrum Graff.  Fans didn’t bother asking him about Ender’s Game; instead, they asked him question after question about what would happen if Han Solo met Indiana Jones, and whether or not Han Solo would have made a good soldier for Hyrum Graff.  Comic-Con: where virgins reveal that marriage is not their motivation!

Stephen Colbert interviewed one-half of New York’s new Dynamic Duo of Douchebag candidates, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer.  After being asked if forgiving voters “signal the decay of our moral values,” by Colbert, Spitzer attempted to laugh the question off, only to have Colbert come back with a rejoinder: “This ain’t Charlie Rose, motherf**ker!”  Well, Stephen, thankfully, the woman in question wasn’t anybody’s mother.

The Huffington Post is reporting that Barbie is fighting for her life, because fake plastic girls with unrealistic anatomical dimensions just aren’t edgy enough these days. Monster High dolls have risen to challenge Barbie, even as former challengers like the Slutz Bratz dolls have been vanquished. HuffPo thinks this is important, which is why they’re devoting space on their website to it. We just like hammering the left-wing media’s vacuity.

Here’s another story on the Huffington Post about a pizzeria owner in New Jersey who apparently masturbated in his kitchen, replete with photos and video! Because when your government has been spying on your communications, wasting your tax dollars, and adding almost seven trillion dollars to the national debt over the last five years, you need to watch a senior citizen jerk off.  HuffPo sent two editors down to Jersey Joe’s and they had the white slice and the stuffed meat pizza, with HuffPo Reporter David Moye reporting that the cheese on his slice had “a distinctive nutty flavor.”

They’re five.

In another example of the Huffington Post’s commitment to hard-hitting journalism and actual news, the travails of adult film star Andy San Dimas at PNC Park were detailed.  San Dimas was dancing provocatively in a unicorn mask in order to publicize her stripper performance at Cheerleaders Gentleman’s Club later that night, and security kicked her out of the park.  You know, kids and stuff, and we still pretend like they aren’t getting sex from their teachers and porn on their smartphones.

Here’s a picture of a man with a 126 lb bass off the coast of New Zealand.  It’s almost as fat as Michael Moore.

54 people were shot dead in Chicago during the Zimmerman trial, but Benjamin Jealous of the NAACP has yet to call for DOJ action against Mayor Rahm Emmanuel.  Kanye West ranted at dinner about the injustice of Taylor Swift beating Beyonce in 2009 at the VMAs, and Gawker got a copy of the audio.

A 17-year-old girl in Michigan who was due to start a job at Biggby Coffee tweeted “I want to thank God for the bullet that killed Trayvon Martin.”  Predictably, everyone began tweeting at Biggby Coffee and posting on Facebook, and the girl was fired from her job before she even had a chance to start.  Because nothing says national news like some pathetic 17-year-old girl’s idiotic tweet, and of course her life should be ruined for the stupid thing she said when she was 17 years old.

Ken Crow of the Tea Party Community took the stage at an anti-amnesty rally and promptly opened his mouth to switch feet:

From those incredible blood lines of Thomas Jefferson and George Washington and John Smith. And all these great Americans, Martin Luther King. These great Americans who built this country. You came from them. And the unique thing about being from that part of the world, when you learn about breeding, you learn that you cannot breed Secretariat to a donkey and expect to win the Kentucky Derby. You guys have incredible DNA and don’t forget it.

The rally, sponsored by the Center for Immigration Studies, drew appearances from Rep. Steven King, Senator Jeff Sessions, and Senator Ted Cruz.  The Huffington Post promptly linked to the Nation’s story on Ken Crow’s remarks, because they could be characterized as racist and thereby be used to impute racism to everyone in the Tea Party and GOP.  Of course, HuffPo made an interesting photo choice for their article: former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is shown onstage shaking hands with Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, though neither Palin nor Arpaio attended the rally where Crow made his remarks.

Why bother being fair?

That’s the news that isn’t news for today, July 19, 2013. Have a good weekend, folks, and we’ll see you next for our next edition! Also, weekend stories will be forthcoming here at Liberty Pulse, so read us with your coffee!

jay batmanJay Batman is a graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law, where he attained his J.D. in May 2013.  He completed a B.A. in English with a minor in Political Science at the University of Montevallo in 2002. He is employed with Dustin Stockton Political Strategies, LLC, and presently resides in West Texas with his dog and co-author, Buddy Love